Category: Encounters

Institutional microaggressions

Yesterday the hubby and I were both excited. For the last couple of years we have been changing our name and gender markers in all our official documentation. We have successfully changed even our birth certificates (including the hubby’s from Arizona). The last two steps are my passport (my federal information is already changed, just need to update that) and our marriage license.

We were married in 1992, and we both knew that in the state files our original names were used along with our genders. So we called around to the various county auditors we lived in and they finally directed us to the state. After setting up an appointment for yesterday six months ago (that is how long the wait was) we headed down to Olympia after my medical appointments to change our marriage license.

We arrived and waited until half an hour past our appointment. The employee was a nice guy when we did meet him, evidently he was on lunch and didn’t notice we had arrived… even though we had an appointment. He took our information, headed over the the archives to make the change while we paid for new copies.

He came back with a partial success, and a truly horrific change. Our names were changed with no problems, we are listed with our current names and that is all good. That being said he told us he had some bad news, for whatever reason (insert blah blah blah) he couldn’t change our genders.

Adoption and Microaggressions | AdoptiveBlackMom

To be honest this doesn’t make sense to me, they can change my actual birth certificate to list me as female, but can’t update my marriage license. What happens if a county auditor records the name of the spouses in the wrong box, are they telling me a cisgender woman will be listed as the male, and it can’t be changed. That cannot be right. Although it sounds like that isn’t a problem anymore because since gay marriage became legal in 2012 or so they don’t list genders, just spouse 1 and spouse 2 on licenses after that.

The worst part about this, the new marriage license/certificate they gave us lists me as the groom and my husband as the bride. In spite of the fact our original never listed the bride/groom at all on the original certificate in our old names. So now, not only couldn’t they change it, our marriage license outs us clearly, instead of only being somewhere deep in the computer system.

Don’t get me wrong, I am obviously trans so while it does misgender me, it won’t be surprise to anyone. However, it outs my hubby who passes 100% as a cisgender guy when no one knows, and lists him as my bride.

I didn’t expect dysphoria to hit so hard when that happened and I realized what our new licenses listed. I am angry, crushed and just livid that now my wedding license/certificate is even worse than before. Name is correct but now it states clearly the wrong gender. All of this. after 2+ hours of commute, waiting, etc and paying $70.

Next week I am going to call and find out if the guy just was an idiot, or if that is actually the case. If it is the case we are already looking at lawyering up to change it. That is complete and utter nonsense that they can’t change it. You know for a fact that if a cisgender male/female names got mixed up they would find a way to do it.

I do hope to find when I call next week that the guy was just an idiot and they can fix it, but not expecting that at all.

Funny incident at the doctor

Pardon me as I try and get back in the habit of regular posting, haha.

Yesterday the hubby and I had to go pick up my ADHD medication. I have been out for months and it has been killing me both on a work and a personal social interaction level (thank you hubby for putting up with me).

We live in what used to be a very rough area, but the inevitable creep of gentrification (and yes we contributed to that sadly when we bought the place) has made it fairly safe and way more access to entertainment, stores, etc from where we were. However with it being still a bit rough on occasion I am generally more aware.

Well as we walked out of the doctor office/pharmacy, for whatever reason I notice a couple of guys on the sidewalk about 200 feet or so away. One was a slightly shorter and rounded older white man and the other was a very tall, very dark skinned black man in a hoodie. I am horrible at guessing age on some people, but he wasn’t nearly as old as the guy beside him. They obviously knew each other and were talking.

I was talking to the hubby so it took a moment to register they were both staring at me and it brought my attention to them quickly.

2023 Selfie of me from day before.

I have hit a stage in my transition that I am definitely not 100% passable (especially my voice), but I have huge tits, I dress fairly young (well I haven’t decided to dress down in my fifties is closer) plus I am very alternative and I do believe not that unattractive. So when I get stared at sometimes lately it is hard to tell if its because I am trans, because of looking like a woman with big tits and not as big body, or maybe both.

Either way I knew there was a bit of checking me out (when it’s full transphobic you can tell and it definitely doesn’t look like checking me out). I looked right over at them, pointed then waved and smiled.

The older white guy looked shocked. I am still to this day surprised at how cis men don’t realize that they are usually being super obvious staring at women, and he obviously didn’t expect me to notice. He hesitated, looked like he wanted to die but he waved back at me.

The black man however was fantastic. His smile lit up his face with extremely white teeth and a very joyful and laughing face. He waved at me much more assertively and I immediately knew they weren’t negging me at least, or trash talking me. I am pretty sure they were looking at my tits.

The black man then looked over, his smile getting even more wide and laughed at the white guy. The black guy waved again at me in a pretty friendly manner and I felt safe.

When I catch people staring at me, sometimes there is no concern I get, and sometimes I immediately feel threatened, but the overall majority of times I can’t tell if it is a safe situation or not for me, and that smile, wave and head nod from the black gentleman cemented it was a safe environment.

The hubby was amused he looked over and saw the two. I don’t know how much he caught of the whole interaction, but I realize the white guy might have been nervous about hubby. After all hubby is a fairly heavily tattooed rough looking man, who wears odd clothes for an accountant/auditor :).

While I realize that most women don’t find it affirming, that was one of the situations I find affirming that at least they identify me as feminine. I can’t help that a lot of people who identify me as feminine, identify me as alternative feminine (not my looks but not being cis), but it is the feminine part I want, and I can’t change I am trans so I accept it if its in a safe way they show it.

That totally made my day though, cheered me up and was definitely affirming, if a bit sexist.

Just thought I would share.

P.S. Also I have started growing tired of dick pics, those are not as affirming now 🙂