Institutional microaggressions

Yesterday the hubby and I were both excited. For the last couple of years we have been changing our name and gender markers in all our official documentation. We have successfully changed even our birth certificates (including the hubby’s from Arizona). The last two steps are my passport (my federal information is already changed, just need to update that) and our marriage license.

We were married in 1992, and we both knew that in the state files our original names were used along with our genders. So we called around to the various county auditors we lived in and they finally directed us to the state. After setting up an appointment for yesterday six months ago (that is how long the wait was) we headed down to Olympia after my medical appointments to change our marriage license.

We arrived and waited until half an hour past our appointment. The employee was a nice guy when we did meet him, evidently he was on lunch and didn’t notice we had arrived… even though we had an appointment. He took our information, headed over the the archives to make the change while we paid for new copies.

He came back with a partial success, and a truly horrific change. Our names were changed with no problems, we are listed with our current names and that is all good. That being said he told us he had some bad news, for whatever reason (insert blah blah blah) he couldn’t change our genders.

Adoption and Microaggressions | AdoptiveBlackMom

To be honest this doesn’t make sense to me, they can change my actual birth certificate to list me as female, but can’t update my marriage license. What happens if a county auditor records the name of the spouses in the wrong box, are they telling me a cisgender woman will be listed as the male, and it can’t be changed. That cannot be right. Although it sounds like that isn’t a problem anymore because since gay marriage became legal in 2012 or so they don’t list genders, just spouse 1 and spouse 2 on licenses after that.

The worst part about this, the new marriage license/certificate they gave us lists me as the groom and my husband as the bride. In spite of the fact our original never listed the bride/groom at all on the original certificate in our old names. So now, not only couldn’t they change it, our marriage license outs us clearly, instead of only being somewhere deep in the computer system.

Don’t get me wrong, I am obviously trans so while it does misgender me, it won’t be surprise to anyone. However, it outs my hubby who passes 100% as a cisgender guy when no one knows, and lists him as my bride.

I didn’t expect dysphoria to hit so hard when that happened and I realized what our new licenses listed. I am angry, crushed and just livid that now my wedding license/certificate is even worse than before. Name is correct but now it states clearly the wrong gender. All of this. after 2+ hours of commute, waiting, etc and paying $70.

Next week I am going to call and find out if the guy just was an idiot, or if that is actually the case. If it is the case we are already looking at lawyering up to change it. That is complete and utter nonsense that they can’t change it. You know for a fact that if a cisgender male/female names got mixed up they would find a way to do it.

I do hope to find when I call next week that the guy was just an idiot and they can fix it, but not expecting that at all.

Procrastination of medical decisions is over!

As a disclaimer I am very frank about things in my life, especially about mental health and about transitioning to a woman. Most people won’t talk about the grosser or more awkward things so there is a lack of information of not only negative things, but how people addressed them and if it worked.

This post is definitely TMI for some people, so you are warned if you want to read more.

Yesterday I went to the urologist to follow up on multiple issues. Because I talked about this in my old blog and not here I will give a brief recap.

Back in 2019 when I transitioned I underwent an orchiectomy, the process to remove testicles in order to stop producing testosterone. It was the only way to have my estrogen and testosterone numbers work out, and it did just that. However there were four drawbacks from it.

The first was Peyronie’s disease, basically the lack of testosterone causes penile atrophy and makes the penis curve in very painful directions, this normally is temporary, and while mine lasted way longer than normal, the pain is finally gone (and remarkably not as much atrophy as was assumed). This was a huge issue for years, and yes eventually I will probably chat here about it.

The second was a slight bit of dripping after urination, that is always a side effect anytime surgery in an area of your bladder system. The doc yesterday has a medication that may help with very little side effects, so here is hoping in three months it will work out.

The third is bloody seminal fluid when you orgasm. This sucks and is one of the two things that really bothered me (yes both things more than the pain in the penis due to Peyronie’s). This is caused by the prostrate and happens to older cis men and we can’t be sure if the timing is normal, or if the orchie did push it over the edge, either way it is the same. No pain, but it looks like a murder scene anytime I have an orgasm, so very uncomfortable mentally and socially if I want to seek out new partners (I am fortunate, the hubby doesn’t care about that).

Normally for most people this also passes, but for me for four years it has not and evidently even without the lack of testosterone my prostrate has not shrunk that much. The meds I am going to get for the urination may in fact help, but it’s only a possibility. So we are going to see how the meds work, if they don’t however there is a second, far more sure process as they have a surgical fix (low key surgery at that).

Basically they do a roto-rooter to the prostrate, and then do some laser cauterization and that should cover it. So the doctor cleared me if I want the surgery, which if by April my meds haven’t fixed it I will want the surgery, and preferably as soon as possible. Oh and its possible the meds might help with this as well, that is a double win!

The fourth is the remaining scrotal sack which turns out is significantly causing me dysphoria. The penis doesn’t, but the scrotal sack for whatever reason does. They don’t remove the scrotal sack on most transfem women initially, as normally it does tend to shrink a bit, plus it is the best option to use if I decided for a vaginoplasty and the rest of the surgeries to get rid of the penis and get a new surgical vulva and vagina (it is a key portion of the skin used for the vaginal wall). I have kept the sack for years now, mainly because I wanted to research the disadvantages and side effects of the surgery before committing either way.

If you gave me a magic wand to replace my AMAB equipment with a full cis-girl vagina I would take it in a heart beat. However surgical transition is very harsh including a major surgery with multiple procedures that not only remove your AMAB parts, but they have to replumb your urethrea and urinary track, move your sensitive portion of your penis and remake it into a vagina.

The positive, if it all goes well is a fully working vulva and vagina that can have penetrative sex. There are even variations of the surgery that it can lubricate itself (however the details of that immediately made me say no thank you for me). If everything is successful it is functionally the same for sexual interaction (with the bonus of no children, no cramps, no PMS, sorry sisters but we aren’t cis and we don’t have the same cycle because of it).

The negatives however are harsh and include the following:

  • A major surgery that has many weeks of recovery (usually at least 12 a lot of times more), weirdly enough though the surgery is not nearly as long as my facial as the normal penile inversion vaginoplasty is 2-5 hours and my facial surgery was 12-13, my recovery was much quicker.
  • Only an 80% (best case at this time, but always getting better) of retaining sexual feeling in your new clitoris (this is way to low a chance for me).
  • Many people have to have revision surgery, sometimes 2-3 times to get it fully right.
  • In order to use the vaginal part, you have to dilate the vagina with uncomfortable insertion devices four+ times a day for many weeks and even after years you still have to do it regularly monthly or so (if it all goes well).
  • Bladder and other internal organs are always at risk for injury from the surgery that may not fully go back to pre-surgery levels of use (I already have the urination issue, don’t need more possible urination issues).
  • No matter what the vaginal canal may close back up even with dilation because sometimes your body just says no, and I already had huge issues with hormones not wanting to work, this seems problematic at best for me.

On top of all this, I always found trans women with penises to be very attractive and just as much women as cisgender women, so my penis itself never bothered me (well it bothered me a lot when I was still a guy, but after transition my penis is fully functional and I actually like using it).

One of the biggest reasons though that I had kept the possibility of bottom surgery (other than I would like to have sex like a ciswoman if I could) was that it might fix the bleeding seminal fluid problems.

What I did find out was that my scrotal sack gives me dysphoria and I hate it. I had huge testicals and it turns out that my scrotal sack didn’t really shrink so it causes a huge bulge, I hate the way it looks, and I want it gone.

Well the doctor made it clear that vaginoplasty will not fix my issues. That was the largest reason I might have been willing to risk all the side effects and when he said that it made my decision easy. I won’t be getting a vaginoplasty so that means at the first opportunity I can have the scrotal sack removed. He comfirmed it is medically necessary if I want it, so its covered too.

This means I can move on from hovering over that decision and I feel good about it. Sadly I still get into fights with some trans-medicalists, but this means I can double down now that I am not waffling.

That means I got to walk out of my appointment yesterday with answers and options for all my issues. Two of them include surgery (both probably done this year if I can arrange it), one involves medicine and the fourth has already pretty much fixed itself.

I call that a good day.

Funny incident at the doctor

Pardon me as I try and get back in the habit of regular posting, haha.

Yesterday the hubby and I had to go pick up my ADHD medication. I have been out for months and it has been killing me both on a work and a personal social interaction level (thank you hubby for putting up with me).

We live in what used to be a very rough area, but the inevitable creep of gentrification (and yes we contributed to that sadly when we bought the place) has made it fairly safe and way more access to entertainment, stores, etc from where we were. However with it being still a bit rough on occasion I am generally more aware.

Well as we walked out of the doctor office/pharmacy, for whatever reason I notice a couple of guys on the sidewalk about 200 feet or so away. One was a slightly shorter and rounded older white man and the other was a very tall, very dark skinned black man in a hoodie. I am horrible at guessing age on some people, but he wasn’t nearly as old as the guy beside him. They obviously knew each other and were talking.

I was talking to the hubby so it took a moment to register they were both staring at me and it brought my attention to them quickly.

2023 Selfie of me from day before.

I have hit a stage in my transition that I am definitely not 100% passable (especially my voice), but I have huge tits, I dress fairly young (well I haven’t decided to dress down in my fifties is closer) plus I am very alternative and I do believe not that unattractive. So when I get stared at sometimes lately it is hard to tell if its because I am trans, because of looking like a woman with big tits and not as big body, or maybe both.

Either way I knew there was a bit of checking me out (when it’s full transphobic you can tell and it definitely doesn’t look like checking me out). I looked right over at them, pointed then waved and smiled.

The older white guy looked shocked. I am still to this day surprised at how cis men don’t realize that they are usually being super obvious staring at women, and he obviously didn’t expect me to notice. He hesitated, looked like he wanted to die but he waved back at me.

The black man however was fantastic. His smile lit up his face with extremely white teeth and a very joyful and laughing face. He waved at me much more assertively and I immediately knew they weren’t negging me at least, or trash talking me. I am pretty sure they were looking at my tits.

The black man then looked over, his smile getting even more wide and laughed at the white guy. The black guy waved again at me in a pretty friendly manner and I felt safe.

When I catch people staring at me, sometimes there is no concern I get, and sometimes I immediately feel threatened, but the overall majority of times I can’t tell if it is a safe situation or not for me, and that smile, wave and head nod from the black gentleman cemented it was a safe environment.

The hubby was amused he looked over and saw the two. I don’t know how much he caught of the whole interaction, but I realize the white guy might have been nervous about hubby. After all hubby is a fairly heavily tattooed rough looking man, who wears odd clothes for an accountant/auditor :).

While I realize that most women don’t find it affirming, that was one of the situations I find affirming that at least they identify me as feminine. I can’t help that a lot of people who identify me as feminine, identify me as alternative feminine (not my looks but not being cis), but it is the feminine part I want, and I can’t change I am trans so I accept it if its in a safe way they show it.

That totally made my day though, cheered me up and was definitely affirming, if a bit sexist.

Just thought I would share.

P.S. Also I have started growing tired of dick pics, those are not as affirming now 🙂