I stopped working out about 18 months ago, not that I worked out a lot but I was back in the gym and starting to enjoy it. I stopped when I had a few new surgeries come up, and I have always. meant to go back. Yet here I am not going back and I think I have to be honest with myself, it scares the shit out of me.

I was doing really good, starting to put on a bit of muscle and liking it. I went to a 24-hour Planet Fitness and would show up at the gym around 330 a.m. I avoided people this way. The person who watched the counter was always nice to me, and the couple of guys who worked out at the same time were nice overall. I mean don’t get me wrong they stared at my 38H tits and my 6’2″ transness but I got the impression it was more of when guys are checking out girls than guys hating the queers.

Right before my last couple of times to the gym I had started sleeping better so I was waking up a little later and getting in the gym later. This meant a hell of a lot more people. This was also when the “she might be trans but she has huge tits” sort of morphed into a “what is that doing here” because the clientele was different.

The last time I could hear two guys talking about if they were going to let me use the women’s locker room. As a general rule, I don’t anyway. I go to the gym in my workout clothes and just go home to shower. Mostly because I am a bit shy, but also because I worry I will intimidate people. Before you say it, I realize that isn’t my problem and I am working on that instinct :).

That last time though worried me more than I was ready to admit. I am tall, and I do have my dad’s crazy strength sometimes, but I am not the 330+ pound testosterone-driven guy anymore, and I also now care if I live or die, so things are more difficult for me in wanting to engage with people.

Then I had the surgery, then another surgery right on the heels, and buying the house in a new part of the city meant I would have to change gyms. Even with those guys’ words, I felt fairly safe at the gym. The new gym is in a much sketchier part of town and doesn’t open until 5 a.m. so I am stuck with a crowded workout area, and when I went in to look at the place (once with hubby and once on the way home from a work meeting) and both times this area is definitely not trans-friendly. We are much closer to the base and there are more Trump stickers here.

So I came up with reasons to not work out, I did have surgery and a procedure this year along with the hubby’s and I used that as an excuse too. The truth is I am scared to death to work out at a gym during a crowded time. I even bought an exercise bike which I have used a few times but the heat of the summer made the house too warm and also for whatever reason a home bike makes me lazy haha.

So here I am, I am very happy with my body, but I am unhappy that I am not in better shape. I am looking at a thigh lift from the weight loss, but frustrated with a slight weight gain (although most of it went to very pleasing areas, so I think just the number freaked me out, or that my cutoffs are slightly tight now).

I think this. is just me working out in my head what I want to do, and I think I am going to look for a 24-hour gym that is trans or at least queer-friendly. Don’t know if there are any down here that fit both categories, but we will see. I guess I am afraid that if I let myself go, I will go back to looking like a 6’2″+ tall 330lb man in a dress.

I know I literally can’t look like that as I produce no testosterone, had surgery to change my appearance permanently and my titties are pretty unmistakably feminine. I guess dysphoria finds ways to get into your head. I just need to work on myself and accept myself. I won’t be a 5’2″ tiny girl, nor will I ever be fully passing, but I guess I am pretty fuckable and cute. That is better than a lot of options.

Also, yes my post meanders, the ADHD is running free today!!!