Sorry reposting from social media, this was more in depth in my previous post I think:
Ok starting to feel centered. As this hectic summer wraps up I found I missed my whole summer, not that I was bored haha….
Spent the whole time in and out of hospital since June 1st, including a full week in stay at hospital for emergency room/surgical prep. I was told I had metastasized stomach cancer for almost a month (3 different surgeons prepped me, meaning to make sure I got my shit in order for Wolsey to bury me), finally they believed me when both Wolsey and I kept telling them to double check (dad got false positive diagnosis at least 6 times for cancer).
Turns out it’s just a very bad no good gallbladder, and weird marker indicating cancer when there was none there. I finally got that gallbladder removal healing and the only thing left its to go back in a few weeks to remove the stent they put down in my common duct area when they did think I had stomach cancer (and then a follow up procedure for the other side of my digestive tract)..
Apologies if I have been distant with friends, responding to ladder games, or just talking and shit posting (and definitely there was no mood for any selfies). Things are returning to normal. Means hopefully within next couple weeks you will be back to very inappropriate memes, observations and photos.
Oh and special thanks to dad for genetics to survive so much shit, but also the genetics to give warning signs of deadly cancer that I don’t have….fucker, always going to get the last word in aren’t you!!! <3.
Oh and don’t worry I have a bunch of stories I am going to post about this whole thing here, but I didn’t want to write about things until I knew what my final prognosis was haha. So hold tight for it.
The last few weeks I have been quiet mostly due to health reasons. For years I have always had a problem keeping my food down when I eat it. The doctors have sent me to stomach specialists, I have been scanned, tubes up all orifices, cameras, etc, with no evidence of what causes it.
They even gave me this $1,500 nuclear powered plain egg only sandwich for a radiation test in my esophagus/stomach in 2021 with no results except a sticker shock at the insurance bill (I didn’t have to pay it). This is the most expensive plain egg only sandwich known to humanity
Fast forward to this year, and especially last 6 weeks. The vomiting has gotten worse, I would spend days in bed feeling like crap, and eventually it got so bad that beginning of June I went in to see if I had a kidney stone (real pain had started). They booted me out and said I was fine.
Me and the cat spending a weekend in bed with stomach pain.
URGET CARE VISIT 1
Two weeks later it was five times worse. During this time the hubby had done research on my symptoms and was sure it was my gallbladder, so this time the hubby was on it before me and pushed me to go into urgent care when I was hit for three days with pain I couldn’t get out of bed from.
We went to urgent care where I promptly puked in the lobby (I have never used a puke bag before, that was gross.
They got me in, but within an hour urgent care told me that they didn’t see any kidney stones, and especially didn’t see any gallstones, but my labs came back and my liver was 7 x higher than it normally is (and my liver is normally slightly high). They immediately told me as soon as a bed opened up they were transferring me to a hospital (those numbers were evidently past what they worry about liver failure for). The nurse had already put up an NPO sign indicating no food or drink due to probably surgery needed.
After a few hours they explained it would probably be the next day before a room opened and I would be spending the night in urgent care. The third shift nurse was nice, and tried because she realized I had sat in there all day, no food. She dug around and found me a frozen Alfredo dinner and heated it up. I took a small bite and within minutes I was wracked in pain, so the food stopped.
URGENT CARE VISIT #2
A few hours later they told me they could get me into an observation ward (shared ward with curtains) and they transferred me at 10pm at night on June 30th. The hubby came over and visited me, and there was a whole funny thing where security guy was so lazy he didn’t want to take my husband and couldn’t get hold of a nurse, so instead told him that it was probably not allowed for him to come.
The hubby stayed strong, forced the issue and made that lazy ass walk to my wing where the security guard was corrected by the medical staff who told them that absolutely my husband can visit. It was a funny deserved moment that security guard got.
They kept me the next day and at the end of the day they gave me a specialized MRI and confirmed, and this is the actual professional term used, that my gallbladder was “filled with innumerable gallstones” and I also had a stone stuck in the common duct (shared by pancreas, liver, stomach and gallbladder I believe). That is what was by far hurting the most. So they scheduled me an ERPC the next evening to remove the stone, put a stent in and wait for gallbladder removal the next day.
HOSPITAL WAITING TO GET SURGERY
I went through another full day (this was July 2nd now) and hadn’t eaten since June 29th. I was on IV’s and not super hungry but it was awkward and even with not eating I felt so bloated and distended. I went down to the ERPC where they cleanly removed the stone, inserted the stent to prevent another stone rolling into it before my gallbladder removal, and they sent me back to my observation ward (packed, loud, and everything was sticky around my bed area). Evidently my gallbladder was “packed full” and I was also told my duct was scarred and they sent a biopsy off, obviously this has been happening for years and years and I had passed a LOT of stones without knowing what was happening.
The next morning on July 3rd, both the hubby and I are excited, my surgery is scheduled at 1215 to remove the gallbladder, I would be going home later that evening with a new lease on eating… except at 1205 the surgeon comes in and is surprised to see me ready for surgery.
He explains very kindly that my surgery is canceled and I can’t have surgery because they found a shelf sign in my common duct. A shelf sign is a sign for stomach cancer and at no point can they remove the gallbladder via laparoscopy because it would spread cancer cells everywhere. I would have to wait for the biopsy to be tested and then if it was confirmed as cancer I would need a different surgeon who could fully open me up and possibly take bits of stomach/liver/pancreas (I learned this later that evening from the hospital doctor).
I need to make clear that Dr. Conway was obviously upset no one had told me this was found the night before, and he was incredibly kind. I feel like he is a great guy and a surgeon no less with an incredible bedside manner.
We asked how likely it was, and both the hubby and I tried to explain that my father was told at least 6 times that he had cancer, and when biopsies came back he never did, his body was just weird. All three doctors I spoke with at the hospital assured me that this was not the case.
Between him and the next two doctors to talk to me in the next four hours they all make it clear I probably have stomach cancer (best survival rate at 5 years is 36%).
AFTER DIAGNOSIS…
At least I got liquid diet dinner
I waited forever there before they discharged me after making me wait seven hours to get out. To be honest I had just shut down. No screaming, no crying, no freaking out, I just did what I do in a stressful situation and disassociate while I consider what I needed to do to get the hubby my life insurance and how long could I make it to pay off as many bills so the insurance can go to him taking time off.
Cancer, not cancer, the thing I hate most is watching my husband worry and be upset.
Stomach cancer is the one weird fear I have had my entire life (well that or lung cancer, stomach is painful, lung is long term drowning). My family doesn’t have a history of it, it is just something as a literal 9 year old child had read about and have been terrified of since.
Fast forward almost two weeks and I read the report and it looked like I might not have it, but the doctor wouldn’t confirm on the phone and I had to go in, so I figured maybe I read it wrong.
I figured I would at least dress up to get the stomach cancer diagnosis…
I was prepared to hear the words, figured I would do the whole stoic route and they officially say it, but we were right to begin with… NOT CANCER and even Dr Conway seems really surprised. He mentioned it probably was scar tissue from the repeated stones and that is what the pictures caught.
So no cancer is a good thing, although the last two weeks I had spent setting up the hubby for my eventual demise (which wasn’t super imminent but I was planning on how to maximize the time left to work). Dr. Conway went over all the stuff about the surgery, once again the best bedside manner anywhere, and the best part is he is doing the surgery. So I go in July 30th to get this bad girl removed.
The next day the hubby seemed relaxed, as did our daughter Tally…
Even now I am feeling better than the weeks before, I should post about how my pain is less and eating has changed my vomiting situation. But this post is already too long, so will do that later.
Overall yesterday, the hubby and I’s 31st wedding anniversary (Halloween) went amazingly well.
I don’t think I can explain or emphasize how much I love my husband. He is the greatest person in the world, and if I ever end up dating other people (we are poly) they are going to have to accept that fact. We have been together through so much, and are best friends, lovers, spouses, and family.
We started off the day pretty good, I got dressed up, even wore an old Halloween costume corset that for $40 or less still works really good. I did find that I am not built like the average cis woman again because I am way too tall. However I will fix that with a custom corset from Period Corsets this year. Probably get a couple in different colors.
The hubby picked me up some gifts including a spoon holder for my coffee spoon, a box of fancy candy corn, a makeup bag skeleton couple, and the most beautiful jewelry box with a skeleton couple, and his love.
We then went to the Washington State History Museum in Tacoma for our Anniversary fun time. We had a great time, wandered around the natural disaster area, learned a lot I didn’t realize (and we both agreed we want to take a road trip by this summer to hit all 12 spots in WA state). Looked through the native indigenous displays, trains and some other cool stuff.
From there we went across the street to Tim’s Kitchen and had a great lunch. Our waitress was a Harlequin costumed lady who was nice. However I loved meeting the fabulously flamboyant boy that was also a waiter. He smiled as I walked by going to the table, then spun around when he noticed my tall blue boots and asked me “girl, that is some nice boots”. We talked about the boots a bit, I complimented him on his taste, he complimented me on mine and it was a FABULOUS QUEER MOMENT.
It is funny, the only people I am around that I never second guess what they are saying (or they outright are saying double meanings) are queer people. I told the hubby he needs to take me to The Mix sometime soon so I can try out being around my umbrella queer tribe more in depth.
We got home and I did have a hiccup. I need new life insurance, so 6 weeks before my old plan ran out (since the term is over they tripled the next year’s price). For six weeks the new life insurance broker and agency fucked around kept asking for more stuff, when this was supposed to be one of those “no checkups needed” insurance quotes.
Finally the hubby and I decided to cancel the new quote and I just paid triple price this year and will start looking sooner by the end of it. That was two weeks ago, well yesterday I got an official “we are not going to take your insurance” letter from the agency.
The reason was because I am transgender, on hormones and have anxiety. Of course I would have anxiety due to being transgender, so the real reason they declined was my trans status. They even sent the denial letter to “Mr. A Girl U Should Know” (name retracted for the few who can’t figure out easy google for my name).
I don’t even know if this is legal in WA state, most insurance requirements specifically in Washington do not allow denial of services to trans people, but the life insurance HQ is in Iowa, so not sure the rules, but I did submit a complaint to WA State OIC.
That trashed me for a couple of hours, but it is my 31st Wedding Anniversary and Halloween. We had 30 full size candy bars waiting for trick or treaters, plus a huge bowl of normal small candy and I was excited again. Unfortunately life has been rather busy this year so we only had some lawn lights in orange and purple for decorations, also we heard not many trick or treaters in the neighborhood.
So the hubby and I split a bottle of wine, and sat in our living room watching Youtube (also there might have been some nice edibles for me…”. We figured we would wait until 8pm, if no kids showed we would just shut down and go to bed.
We were both happily surprised when we started getting kids. They were all excited about the full size candy bars and we could hear them shrieking into the night with their parents telling other kids we had full size candy bars, so things began to pick up, and for the first time in 20 years I got to give out candy to more than our next door neighbor.
WE BOTH LOVED IT.
We did shut down around 8pm, mostly because we were tired, and we assumed the kids were coming to an end. Although as the hubby pulled the lawn lights, he did hear kids in the distance talking they were disappointed we were shutting down. We were down to 2 full size candy bars (the hubby had eaten one, so that’s how I know we gave out 27, meanwhile I had been chowing down on small candies all night).
This means next year I am probably going to buy triple the candy bars, but also super decorate and light up the house. I think we will easily attract that many, because I noticed a lot of the kids weren’t walking down the street but parents were actually driving through neighborhoods. I saw a lot of cars drive by that didn’t stop with us, but I am sure that is because we really didn’t look very festive.
I am so happy to own a house and be in a residential (albeit super close to non-residential goodness) neighborhood. I am really looking forward to next Halloween, and I have a lot of plans (mostly I want to make sure we are home on halloween because I really want to give kids candy).
I do realize part of it is the joy of the holiday, also part of it is probably an attempt to connect with kids, even though I will never have kids, and never be a mother, I think I would have been a great mother (much better than I would have been a father, but I would have been good at that). I like having that connection for limited parts.
Maybe by next year relations with family (not siblings) will be at a point I can at least see my older nephews and nieces.
The one other thing I am happy about is I finished my 50 movies of Halloween and I haven’t watched that much media in that short a time in years. I found I really enjoyed it, even the bad movies/shows, so I think I will keep on the tradition by doing 50 movies of the holidays (any of the holidays post Halloween until January 1st). Of course I doubt there will be many Hallmark movies, I can’t be normal, not even like that.
I took a few pictures yesterday of me and the hubby. I didn’t want to be rude in the museum, but I did take some outside and I think I might post a gallery up of that.
Once again though, I cannot reiterate this enough, I love my little garden rat so much. Being married 31 years, being together for almost two years on and off before that, and being best friends for 2 years before that means I have already won at life. I could lose everything right now, die horribly, and I beat out 99% of those in the world, and I will die with a smile on my face, and two middle fingers flipping off this fucked up world.
Wow, that got dark, but it wasn’t supposed too… It was a great 31st anniversary.
I have been quiet lately and that is all due to stress, mental health, physical health and pure exhuastion. That being said, I haven’t been just huddling in my house, we have gone down to Phoenix for a horrific experience with electrolysis, for the first time ever I got my face burnt up pretty good, and I cooked the hubby and myself some dishes from Turkey/Middle Eastern area of the world (I realize that is a huge place with lots of countries and cultures).
First let me be clear that the Jazmin is wonderful, and it wasn’t her skills that were an issue, rather it was her experience, and the arrangement of the hours I traveled 1,000 miles for and paid almost 3k for hotels and flights. I had scheduled 2 full days of electrolysis, but halfway through the first day I was told that they were moving the more experienced person off me the second day, but Jazmin could work on me and finish it herself. This was not true, and is the third time in a row they have removed electrolysis people for the second day and I haven’t gotten my face finished.
Turns out that Jazmin who is new, and incredibly nice had picked the wrong locations on my face, making it too difficult the second day for both electrolysis to work on it. This would have been ok had they kept the more experienced person to finish my face, but Jazmin is not nearly as fast, and unfortunately she burnt me pretty badly. They had the more experienced person not work on my face because she always has a list of patients that will come in on the fly.
The sad part, I was willing to pay for the whole time for both people just to clear my face, no one was going to lose money by not splitting off the electrolysis. I had already determined the total max amount of hours and had the money for it.
However, I have to 100% give Jazmin props for being honest. It turns out that the machine she had used on me the previous time was broken and she had a new one. The problem is the old machine was broken the last time too, so she had to crank up the device to have it work. Unfortunately this time with the new machine she used the old numbers the first day, and that is where all the burning happened because the new machine was much more effective and the numbers she used were way too high. This also makes me question why the shop was using a machine that they had to crank up the numbers on to get it to work, especially with how much is charged for electrolysis.
That kind of honesty would normally mean I would absolve the issue itself, however I was told by management that my face being burnt is “normal”, which I can categorically say it wasn’t because I have gone down there 10+ times and this is the only time it happened. The inability of the shop to just be honest is what makes me angry.
I have warred with the idea of posting this, one of the people from the shop lives near me now and has offered to work on my face. I am happy to have her work on it, but I wasn’t sure if me complaining about what happened would mean she would retract that. I hope not, but here it is out there now and we will see.
The second part of this post is I made the hubby and I some food yesterday. I made some Borek, which is a savory Turkish pastry that I usually served breakfast/lunch (think quiche). I also made some Turkish Red Lentil Soup with Mint and a Blood Orange Yogurt Olive Oil Cake. I think they all came out great. The one thing I found out was that our oven cooks a little hot so the food was darker than I liked, but was absolutely tasty. Also my photos weren’t the best, but I was tired and hungry and just wanted to eat.
That reminds me, I need to post some recipes. Maybe I will do that soon as I have been woefully an underachiever posting here 🙂
As a disclaimer I am very frank about things in my life, especially about mental health and about transitioning to a woman. Most people won’t talk about the grosser or more awkward things so there is a lack of information of not only negative things, but how people addressed them and if it worked.
This post is definitely TMI for some people, so you are warned if you want to read more.
Yesterday I went to the urologist to follow up on multiple issues. Because I talked about this in my old blog and not here I will give a brief recap.
Back in 2019 when I transitioned I underwent an orchiectomy, the process to remove testicles in order to stop producing testosterone. It was the only way to have my estrogen and testosterone numbers work out, and it did just that. However there were four drawbacks from it.
The first was Peyronie’s disease, basically the lack of testosterone causes penile atrophy and makes the penis curve in very painful directions, this normally is temporary, and while mine lasted way longer than normal, the pain is finally gone (and remarkably not as much atrophy as was assumed). This was a huge issue for years, and yes eventually I will probably chat here about it.
The second was a slight bit of dripping after urination, that is always a side effect anytime surgery in an area of your bladder system. The doc yesterday has a medication that may help with very little side effects, so here is hoping in three months it will work out.
The third is bloody seminal fluid when you orgasm. This sucks and is one of the two things that really bothered me (yes both things more than the pain in the penis due to Peyronie’s). This is caused by the prostrate and happens to older cis men and we can’t be sure if the timing is normal, or if the orchie did push it over the edge, either way it is the same. No pain, but it looks like a murder scene anytime I have an orgasm, so very uncomfortable mentally and socially if I want to seek out new partners (I am fortunate, the hubby doesn’t care about that).
Normally for most people this also passes, but for me for four years it has not and evidently even without the lack of testosterone my prostrate has not shrunk that much. The meds I am going to get for the urination may in fact help, but it’s only a possibility. So we are going to see how the meds work, if they don’t however there is a second, far more sure process as they have a surgical fix (low key surgery at that).
Basically they do a roto-rooter to the prostrate, and then do some laser cauterization and that should cover it. So the doctor cleared me if I want the surgery, which if by April my meds haven’t fixed it I will want the surgery, and preferably as soon as possible. Oh and its possible the meds might help with this as well, that is a double win!
The fourth is the remaining scrotal sack which turns out is significantly causing me dysphoria. The penis doesn’t, but the scrotal sack for whatever reason does. They don’t remove the scrotal sack on most transfem women initially, as normally it does tend to shrink a bit, plus it is the best option to use if I decided for a vaginoplasty and the rest of the surgeries to get rid of the penis and get a new surgical vulva and vagina (it is a key portion of the skin used for the vaginal wall). I have kept the sack for years now, mainly because I wanted to research the disadvantages and side effects of the surgery before committing either way.
If you gave me a magic wand to replace my AMAB equipment with a full cis-girl vagina I would take it in a heart beat. However surgical transition is very harsh including a major surgery with multiple procedures that not only remove your AMAB parts, but they have to replumb your urethrea and urinary track, move your sensitive portion of your penis and remake it into a vagina.
The positive, if it all goes well is a fully working vulva and vagina that can have penetrative sex. There are even variations of the surgery that it can lubricate itself (however the details of that immediately made me say no thank you for me). If everything is successful it is functionally the same for sexual interaction (with the bonus of no children, no cramps, no PMS, sorry sisters but we aren’t cis and we don’t have the same cycle because of it).
The negatives however are harsh and include the following:
A major surgery that has many weeks of recovery (usually at least 12 a lot of times more), weirdly enough though the surgery is not nearly as long as my facial as the normal penile inversion vaginoplasty is 2-5 hours and my facial surgery was 12-13, my recovery was much quicker.
Only an 80% (best case at this time, but always getting better) of retaining sexual feeling in your new clitoris (this is way to low a chance for me).
Many people have to have revision surgery, sometimes 2-3 times to get it fully right.
In order to use the vaginal part, you have to dilate the vagina with uncomfortable insertion devices four+ times a day for many weeks and even after years you still have to do it regularly monthly or so (if it all goes well).
Bladder and other internal organs are always at risk for injury from the surgery that may not fully go back to pre-surgery levels of use (I already have the urination issue, don’t need more possible urination issues).
No matter what the vaginal canal may close back up even with dilation because sometimes your body just says no, and I already had huge issues with hormones not wanting to work, this seems problematic at best for me.
On top of all this, I always found trans women with penises to be very attractive and just as much women as cisgender women, so my penis itself never bothered me (well it bothered me a lot when I was still a guy, but after transition my penis is fully functional and I actually like using it).
One of the biggest reasons though that I had kept the possibility of bottom surgery (other than I would like to have sex like a ciswoman if I could) was that it might fix the bleeding seminal fluid problems.
What I did find out was that my scrotal sack gives me dysphoria and I hate it. I had huge testicals and it turns out that my scrotal sack didn’t really shrink so it causes a huge bulge, I hate the way it looks, and I want it gone.
Well the doctor made it clear that vaginoplasty will not fix my issues. That was the largest reason I might have been willing to risk all the side effects and when he said that it made my decision easy. I won’t be getting a vaginoplasty so that means at the first opportunity I can have the scrotal sack removed. He comfirmed it is medically necessary if I want it, so its covered too.
This means I can move on from hovering over that decision and I feel good about it. Sadly I still get into fights with some trans-medicalists, but this means I can double down now that I am not waffling.
That means I got to walk out of my appointment yesterday with answers and options for all my issues. Two of them include surgery (both probably done this year if I can arrange it), one involves medicine and the fourth has already pretty much fixed itself.
Pardon me as I try and get back in the habit of regular posting, haha.
Yesterday the hubby and I had to go pick up my ADHD medication. I have been out for months and it has been killing me both on a work and a personal social interaction level (thank you hubby for putting up with me).
We live in what used to be a very rough area, but the inevitable creep of gentrification (and yes we contributed to that sadly when we bought the place) has made it fairly safe and way more access to entertainment, stores, etc from where we were. However with it being still a bit rough on occasion I am generally more aware.
Well as we walked out of the doctor office/pharmacy, for whatever reason I notice a couple of guys on the sidewalk about 200 feet or so away. One was a slightly shorter and rounded older white man and the other was a very tall, very dark skinned black man in a hoodie. I am horrible at guessing age on some people, but he wasn’t nearly as old as the guy beside him. They obviously knew each other and were talking.
I was talking to the hubby so it took a moment to register they were both staring at me and it brought my attention to them quickly.
2023 Selfie of me from day before.
I have hit a stage in my transition that I am definitely not 100% passable (especially my voice), but I have huge tits, I dress fairly young (well I haven’t decided to dress down in my fifties is closer) plus I am very alternative and I do believe not that unattractive. So when I get stared at sometimes lately it is hard to tell if its because I am trans, because of looking like a woman with big tits and not as big body, or maybe both.
Either way I knew there was a bit of checking me out (when it’s full transphobic you can tell and it definitely doesn’t look like checking me out). I looked right over at them, pointed then waved and smiled.
The older white guy looked shocked. I am still to this day surprised at how cis men don’t realize that they are usually being super obvious staring at women, and he obviously didn’t expect me to notice. He hesitated, looked like he wanted to die but he waved back at me.
The black man however was fantastic. His smile lit up his face with extremely white teeth and a very joyful and laughing face. He waved at me much more assertively and I immediately knew they weren’t negging me at least, or trash talking me. I am pretty sure they were looking at my tits.
The black man then looked over, his smile getting even more wide and laughed at the white guy. The black guy waved again at me in a pretty friendly manner and I felt safe.
When I catch people staring at me, sometimes there is no concern I get, and sometimes I immediately feel threatened, but the overall majority of times I can’t tell if it is a safe situation or not for me, and that smile, wave and head nod from the black gentleman cemented it was a safe environment.
The hubby was amused he looked over and saw the two. I don’t know how much he caught of the whole interaction, but I realize the white guy might have been nervous about hubby. After all hubby is a fairly heavily tattooed rough looking man, who wears odd clothes for an accountant/auditor :).
While I realize that most women don’t find it affirming, that was one of the situations I find affirming that at least they identify me as feminine. I can’t help that a lot of people who identify me as feminine, identify me as alternative feminine (not my looks but not being cis), but it is the feminine part I want, and I can’t change I am trans so I accept it if its in a safe way they show it.
That totally made my day though, cheered me up and was definitely affirming, if a bit sexist.
Just thought I would share.
P.S. Also I have started growing tired of dick pics, those are not as affirming now 🙂
Tales From The Little Blue House 