Last two nights ended up with the next two mornings from horrendous dreams. I find sometimes I can get rid of the after effect of dreams if I post and talk about it. So I am talking here again. Probably not nearly as in depth as I wanted to write about it this morning, but maybe its good it is partially slipping away.

The first dream from a couple of nights ago was just plain bad. It was a rough 4th of July and our cat was on high alert.So around 3am she crawled up under the blankets with me and I promptly fell asleep.

“The first thing I noticed was the sound of a cat far off making weird strangled cries. I got up, followed out of the kitchen like room I was in and into a long hallway. At the end of the hallway a large black cat was hissing. I tried to give them good words but that wasn’t going well. Then I heard the cat’s tone changed and I immediately turned and went to run.

I got a few feet before claws of fire dug into me and the cat actually began trying to take me down for real. I don’t know if it was rabid or just crazy but I ended up picking it up and throwing it off. It kept launching itself back at me until finally I grabbed him and slammed him into the ground multiple times. All I remember was it kept moving and trying to bite and I couldn’t get away so I kept slamming the cat down.”

I promptly woke up and immediately panicked thinking I grabbed Tally in my sleep and hurt her. I am pretty sure I was sobbing at this point as I pulled the blanket up and there Tally was, fully asleep, and when she noticed the blanket had pulled up she just opened her one eye lovingly, blinked softly, then sighed heavily like I had just interrupted her sleep.

The second dream was last night and is the one I am having a hard time moving past. Because of that you just get a very cut down version because evidently if I think about it I start crying again.

I was sitting next to my wonderful husband gardenrat. He was taking care of a patient much like he did 12+ years ago before either of us transitioned. It was some little hospital like room. The patient had just passed and he was cleaning them up.

I kept asking when he shift was over and he shrugged me off and grunted. I couldn’t get his focus off of the patient and on to me. I felt al little bad in the dream, but I was even more annoyed. “You know there is a reason you quit this job the first time right? Can we please go to dinner soon? The next shift can clean up the person.”

Even in the dream I knew that was a shitty thing to say so I was quiet and just sat FOREVER… Eventually I was super annoyed and I kept tapping him and he kept grumbling. I finally stood up and started yelling at him when I looked over and saw the person on the bed. It was me.

The only thing I felt right then was sad. Not scared, no screaming, not angry.

I turned to the hubby and all I could say was “I am so sorry I left you, I love you so much. I am so sorry.”

I wasn’t scared or worried about me, but I was screamingly terrified of what would happen with gardenrat and if he would be ok.

I woke up and laid on top of the covers and found I was crying. The hubby got up beside me in the dark and wandered out to use the bathroom, which enabled me to pull my shit together and get up for the morning. It put me into a weird headspace this morning. Not worried about myself, but. worried how the hubby was going to be (if it works out, some other boy/girl/them shows up and takes care of him, but even joking I get waves of worry for him, and it makes me sad.